Contemplation

Posted: March 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

Today I’ve decided to relieve the pressure. The bills are scattered downstairs on the coffee table.  They need to be mailed but I’m already late and it feels good having some money in the bank before it is decimated. The radio blares downstairs with cheery programming about cooking. I’m upstairs in my office sitting in quiet contemplation about whether or not I will decide to end my life in May or June this year. The thought fills me with great sadness – I think of my mom and my siblings whom I will miss dearly, the faithful friends I’ve collected over the years. I’ll miss playing the piano and singing and working with my three choirs.  Yet as I reflect on the people, I feel detached as if my leaving this world has already begun. I’m getting older fast approaching the 60 year old mark. I look it and feel it. My voice has descended into an almost inaudible baritone from a resonant alto that could hit C5 when I was playing around. My hands shake, a side effect of the most recent medication I was placed on. My concentration is shot to hell and I feel as if my brain was fried.

My eyes linger on the potential weapons of my destruction: a small 11.5 inch samurai sword that I had purchased five years ago at a furniture store. It was a bit blunt but I’m certain with the right amount of pressure would go almost completely through my thorax severing a few choice organs depending on the level of entry. But that would be gruesome and I know I’d hesitate resulting in a slow bloody death or worse yet a belated rescue and hospitalization with a persistent disability and then a protracted psychiatric admission for suicide. Or, I look at a syringe filled with insulin that expires in December of 2011. That one is more doable although I wonder if it would really put me in a coma from which I would not recover. I could see this might result in my being brain dead or brain damaged a worse state of affairs than now although I probably would not be aware. The third possibility ticks in my brain. A cat scan two months ago picked up a meningioma (benign brain tumor). There are no symptoms yet but of course as it enlarges, all sorts of issues will arise. I’m considering not following up and letting nature take its course. This is not optimal either since I may become sick, prompting a medical work-up if I have the insurance and then probably treatment against my will. I’m not as comforted reviewing these options now as I was a month ago. I need something more sure, more permanent in case my situation worsens…

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Posted: March 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

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